I am Homeless- Part 1

M.O.S. 40+，Artist & Lecturer

Written By: Noir
Translated By: Blackbeard
Photo By: Julia Wood

“I’m homeless, I’m hopeless, I’m alone

I’m homeless, I only deserve despair 

How my heart beats, how I scream, I can no longer apprehend 

I can only mourn over my lost dreams”

~ “Homeless” by Heyo

Late at night, M.O.S.*, who was temporarily living with his friend, would keep on looping the songs he was reluctant to listen to when he was in Hong Kong. M.O.S. stayed in Toronto for a while when he was studying for his university degree over ten years ago. Now, he is no longer single, but has become the man of the house with various family responsibilities. 

In July of 2021, he came back to Canada alone in order to prepare for the family’s stay while his wife and young daughter still reside in Hong Kong. M.O.S. stated that this migration’s main purpose is for his daughter’s future, where they were especially concerned about the educational aspects. The thought of moving back to Canada has always been on their mind. They had hoped to wait until their daughter was a little older before they made the move; however, the rapid changes and concerns of the social and political environment in Hong Kong have expedited their decision, no matter how unwilling they were to leave. 

Six months before his move, M.O.S. would only mention this decision to his family and close friends individually. He cherished their small gatherings with the limited time left. However, he would never reveal his true plans to move to his work colleagues or acquaintances. This seems to be a common pattern these days where some may find that people have already left only on social media platforms without saying an actual goodbye. Since the beginning of 2020, M.O.S. observed that people did not feel the urgency to leave Hong Kong. Towards the end, there is a shared understanding and empathy because everyone realizes that the decision to stay or leave is not really up to them. This decision is most difficult for those who still hold hope of staying in their homeland. M.O.S. mentioned that he did not want to talk about the issues surrounding the immigration because the “more he talked about it, the more real it became.”

“He is tired of the tears he had to shed, but he is even more fearful that one day, his emotions may become numb where he could no longer cry, and discovers the emptiness buried deep in his heart. ”

M.O.S. described leaving as “surrendering.” He sighed, “If everything is going well in Hong Kong… (take a deep sigh), we wouldn’t be forced to leave. Everything is out of our control." M.O.S. stated that he feels luckier than others because he is “coming back” to Canada. He has relatives who can pick him up at the airport and he could stay at his friend’s place in transition. There is a sense of release for him since he no longer needs to pretend or avoid the many issues surfacing in Hong Kong right now. While he was still in Hong Kong, M.O.S. would constantly avoid songs that may trigger his emotions, as there were too many suppressed feelings waiting to be exposed. He is tired of the tears he had to shed, but he is even more fearful that one day, his emotions may become numb where he could no longer cry, and discovers the emptiness buried deep in his heart. This sense of contradiction is similar to the guilt he feels, not for his decision to leave, but for his lack of guilt for leaving.

“Why did we need to leave if everything is going well?”

When M.O.S. was asked when did he finally decide to make this move, he pondered and questioned, would they have left if they did not need to consider their daughter's future? He had actually considered moving to the remote islands in Hong Kong, searching for a secluded, isolated space where they may live in peace. Reflecting back on the umbrella movement in 2014, he was still able to see hope with a different future, it was the reason he never considered leaving for a long time. Leaving Hong Kong was an agonizing resolution. M.O.S. grieved, “Why did we need to leave if everything is going well?” M.O.S. experienced many forced evictions in Hong Kong due to urban development. However, he understands that this experience of exile is completely different. Once he leaves Hong Kong, there may not be a chance for him to return. Even if there is hope of returning, he still may not be willing to go back. As a result, this parting seems to be forever, forever leaving the home that he grew up in. 

“If I were to live your system which is constant torment 

Why don’t I give myself a chance

To breathe a breath of freedom”

Footnote:
* Alias