I am Homeless- Part 2

Written By: Noir
Translated By: Blackbeard
Photo By: Julia Wood

“Under the streetlights shining on a land once filled with laughter,

I can’t help but ask myself, ‘Are you willing to leave yet…?’”

- from “I’m Homeless” by Heyo

The day before his departure, M.O.S. did not make any special arrangements. He says, “I only wanted to live an ordinary life.” In the end, home is the everyday life we are accustomed to, like going around the street corner to chat with boss-lady of the dim sum shop, eating a crusted egg tart, making the long way around the shop in the market because their prices are getting too expensive. These all seem like trivial matters, nothing important, but they are also irreplaceable. The Hong Kong that we used to know is being demolished, abolished – made to disappear. It doesn’t matter if one leaves or not. We are being made “homeless.” After one final hug, M.O.S. held hands with his daughter and his wife and walked around the airport one last time before entering the gate. As he wakes up from his memories, he finds himself already stepping onto the Toronto subway. The train is filled with silence and it is only then that he realizes he missed even the MTR’s annoying trilingual announcements. 

“A person’s identity doesn’t come from the passport that one holds - it includes one’s past and their present growing history. In this new and foreign place, there are no memories - he has no idea who this “I” is. ”

Looking at the crowd in front of him, the diversity of cultures and life experiences so different from his own evoked something in M.O.S. He sensed the individuality of Western culture clash with his own sense of identity, and he began to reflect on what it meant for him as a Hongkonger. From the Umbrella movement to the protests against the extradition law, the common experiences, struggles and suffering all make up his identity as a Hongkonger. Even though M.O.S. lives under his friend’s roof, he feels that sense of homelessness. It is quite different from a vacation. He is not a traveler nor tourist here in Toronto but a settler with no sense of belonging to the foreign land. He says in a new place, people lose their identity. A person’s identity doesn’t come from the passport that one holds - it includes one’s past and their present growing history. In this new and foreign place, there are no memories - he has no idea who this “I” is. 

Being over forty-years-old with family responsibilities, M.O.S should have been settled down in life. Who would have thought life would change like this and M.O.S. would need to start his career all over again on the other side of the planet? In Hong Kong, he did not need to worry about income or salary, as he had a stable job and life was comfortable. Now he can just make ends meet. As M.O.S. recalls how the media companies are being shut down one by one in Hong Kong, he sighed: after arriving in Toronto, he did not follow the news in Hong Kong as closely as he used to. It felt like his feelings for Hong Kong are slowly being diluted, like whiskey mixed with too much water.

“Making yourself at home does not represent betrayal, settling down does not mean I am oblivious to the past.”

M.O.S. understands that in order to start a new life in a foreign land, we need to “make ourselves at home. We cannot stop at thinking we may leave this place one day and not to contribute locally or integrate into the local lifestyle. However, this sense of settling down does not mean that I will forget my home, Hong Kong.” One of the items that M.O.S. bought along with his limited personal belongings is a seat cover he received from the “study area” during the Umbrella movement. He has incorporated it into his home and uses it every day. The item is a reminder, evoking nostalgia of the goodness that Hong Kong once possessed. “Making yourself at home does not represent betrayal, settling down does not mean I am oblivious to the past. The experiences and memories from the Umbrella movement has already been ingrained into my heart and cannot be erased.” As M.O.S. speaks, he picks up a piece of roasted duck and asks, “Canada does not have roasted goose right?” As he takes a sip of whiskey and looks away, pondering, “Is there a chance that I might reconsider moving back to Hong Kong? If there is a major change in the political system, where we can rebuild society for the better, that will be the day where it will be worth our while to go back.” As he speaks, there is a sense of hope and longing,

“I don’t know. I only know that I am not trying to fight you or beg you for anything,

I only want a chance to write my own story.”